Turd of the Week

mug_01 The TotW is a reward bestowed on the cretins, jerks, morons, bozos, and buffoons who spare no effort in ruining the Beautiful Game.

Steve Sampson & Charlie Stillitano
Turds Emeritii


1999 | 2000 | 2001 | 2002

Turd of the Week (TotW) was a soccer blog I edited, and mostly wrote, from 1999-2002. It was one of the first sports blogs on the internet, years before the word “blog” was even coined. TotW was on Sepp Blatter’s case long before anyone else: He not only was the second ever Turd, but voted the biggest Turd in TotW’s first 100 issues.

TotW Oath

Benefits of Membership: Actually there isn’t a membership, not even a secret decoder ring or “foreign allocation”, but if you take the oath you too may write for Turd of the Week. All your submission has to do is be funny and/or agree with the editor’s own personal views. What do you get out of it, a book deal like Paul Gardner? No, just the self-satisfaction of knowing you’ve skewered some wanker who desperately needs impalement.

Turd of the Week Oath: “I, <name>, TotW <editor/loyal reader/other TotW staff position>, do hereby swear upon my soul, my mother’s grave, a sweaty old boot the dog chewed up, and most importantly my team scarf, to spare no effort, to shirk no sacrifice, in pursuing to ends of the Earth the cretins, jerks, morons, bozos, and buffoons who persist in ruining the Beautiful Game. I will not rest until every knob who works for MLS has been found a TotW dishonoree.”

Take the TotW Oath by clipping the above, filling in the blanks, and emailing it to Preston McMurry. Your name will be included below.

The following persons have taken the TotW Oath:

  1. Preston McMurry, Editor
  2. Alex Butler, Loyal Reader
  3. Amanda Miller, First Lady
  4. Andy Upton, Loyal Reader
  5. Andrew ‘Elninho’ Hsieh, Resident Chemist / Blue Rider
  6. Anthony Calabrese, Supreme Legal Eagle
  7. Anthony ‘HammerHead Balboa’ Fernandez, Loyal Reader
  8. Bill Archer, Chief Apologist
  9. Bill Quigley, Chicago Correspondent
  10. Brian Baxter, Bay Area Correspondent
  11. Brian ‘Ghost Dog’ Leiszter, Pornographic Film Critic
  12. Brian ‘Tiberius’ Guilfoos, Royal Engineer
  13. Chris Caron, Agitator and 5th Columnist
  14. Dan ‘AndyDan’ Anderson, Loyal Reader
  15. Dave Morris, Paul Gardner Memorial Paper Coach
  16. Dave Schulz, Speculum Technician
  17. Doug Welch, Loyal Reader
  18. Dr. Chuck Pearson, Rumormonger (Columbus Branch)
  19. Edward K. ‘Blue Lightning’ Simpson, Broke College Student / Cheap Bastard
  20. Erich Gipson, Tampa Bay Correspondent / Roving Reporter
  21. Eric W. Miller, Loyal Reader Extraordinaire
  22. Jerome Berglund, Loyal Reader
  23. Jim Gregory, Bribe Taker
  24. Jonathon Long, Intern
  25. Kevin ‘The Gooner’ Essington, Histrionicist
  26. Jeff Parker, Loyal Reader
  27. John McCall, Olympic Briber
  28. Mark Harrison Coker, Loyal Reader
  29. Mark Molina, Loyal Reader & Alaves Supporter
  30. Matt Larson, Iowa City Bureau Chief
  31. Michael Heaney, Environmental Engineer
  32. Michael Lamb, Secretary of Propaganda
  33. Michael Lattarulo, Unofficial Washington Lobbyist / Misanthrope
  34. Michael Witry, TotW Minister Without Portfolio
  35. Mike Carroll, Loyal Reader
  36. Mike DePriest, Loyal Reader
  37. Mike ‘mikeyratt’ Garbett, Loyal Reserve Team Member
  38. Mike Jones, Liaison
  39. Mike ‘Merlin’ Storey, Porcelain InspectorGood Lord!What’s with all the Mikes? How about some equal time for the Basils and Percivals of the world?
  40. Nick ‘Tree’ Rollins, Little Drummer Boy
  41. Nobby Watts, Loyal Reader
  42. Peter Goldstein, Watcher of Every Minute of the World Cup since 1986
  43. Rich Paschette, Indoor Don Quixote
  44. RobbyG, Loyal Reader
  45. Robert McMullen, Loyal Reader
  46. Roberto Alvarez, Affirmative Action Coordinator
  47. Ron Stickney, Loyal Reader
  48. Sean Swift, Third Division Superstar
  49. Sean Brockette, Special Operations Commander
  50. Sean ‘Blue’ Cable, TotW loyal reader
  51. Scott ‘Arbitro’ Armstrong, SOTG Interpreter
  52. Scott Weckman, NTX Coach
  53. Slava ‘Shurik’ Malamud, Reserve Goalkeeper
  54. Stephen J. Holroyd, Historian
  55. Steve ‘stevieb’ Bunten, Loyal Reader
  56. Thomas ‘Nanook’ Agosti, Alaska Correspondent
  57. Tim Morris, Philosopher-at-Large
  58. Trevor Sunderland, Hong Kong Correspondent
  59. William ‘Frustrated Left Back’ Berry, TotW Recidivist Felony Offender (and some other $10 words)