The Day Tab Ramos Signed

To the tune of "American Pie"

A long long time ago
I can still remember how the Cosmos used to play
But some billionaire’s saw their chance
Knew they could make us supporters dance
And maybe we’d be happy for awhile

Charlie’s mustache seemed to quiver
With every foreigner he delivered
Bad news on the doorstep
Lothar wants one more cap

I can’t remember if I sighed
When I saw Lothar’s teenage bride
But something hurt me deep inside
The day Tab Ramos signed

Bye, bye Nansha Kalonji
Drove my Chevy over Leahy
And Leahy just died
Them borough boys were dissin’ Foudy and Ty
Singing this will be the day that I die
This will be the day that I die

Did you dial the call-in show
Did you complain on the radio
And have the DJ tell you where to go
Do you believe what Subotnick said
It’s not the same crap all over again
When Vega was too fat and real slow

We all knew Sunil was in love with him
But not with Kerry Zavagnin
The match kicked off to boos
Man, I dug Sasa’s tattoos

There was a lonely fan in the upper deck
Hiding his face with a paper sack
Because he knew he was out of luck
The day Tab Ramos signed

He started singin’

For ten year’s we’d been on our own
Til the Metros came to Hoffa’s home
When El Ferry played in New Jersey
In a kit he borrowed from Pele
And moves that stunned you & me

Oh, and while the Kluge was looking down
Donadoni snuck out of town
Metros supporters were spurned
While its players got carpet burns
Do you recall who was the narc
When we played five-a-side in the park
And we drank Guinness in the dark
The day Tab Ramos signed

We were singing

What the hell’s this silly crap
Some lawyers call the “Super Draft”
Sasa’s high and rollin’ fast
Oh, Tanque’s shot landed in the stands
The Galaxy ventured a forward pass
But Palacios put Cobi in a cast

The halftime restrooms need more ventilation
No toilet paper’s an aggravation
We all queued up to piss
And the floor was wet cause some guy missed
When the Metros tried to take the field
The cheerleaders refused to yield
Who won the Supporter’s Shield?
The day Tab Ramos signed

We started singing

There were forwards with no pace
And midfielders with no sense of space
With no time left to start again
Lexi be nimble, Lexi be quick
Meola ate all my sausage sticks
While Branco took some savage kicks

And as I watched Diaz-Arce on the tube
I screamed in rage, “We were screwed!”
No angel born in hell
Could break Stillitano’s spell
And as the score reached 0-8
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day Tab Ramos signed

We were singing

I met an Ultra who hurled abuse
And I asked him for some allocation news
He just slurred and stumbled away
I went down to the Jersey shore
Where I’d seen footy played before
But security said the drummers couldn’t play

And in the stands the children screamed
While supporters cried, and their parents dreamed
But not a word was spoken
Young Americans were just tokens
And the three players I admire most
Ezra, Roy and Gio’s ghost
They got traded by the dolts
The day Tab Ramos signed

And they were singing
{Refrain … slowly}

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