MetroStars make bold personnel move: The marquee player-less, foreign allocation-less, MetroStars made a sudden & shocking move to improve their rapidly declining fortunes by signing forward Lawrence Lozzano. The much-feared striker has buried the ball a stunning four times in an exhausting nineteen games over the last two seasons. It is rumored that Lozzano was also once the leading scorer for Tampico, of the Mexican first division, which is appropriate because the MetroStars have some holes that need to be plugged.
Paul Gardner, their biggest fan: As long as are on the subject, let’s turn the megaphone over to Mr. Gardner. Read the following aloud, in an Andy “60 Minutes” Rooney voice, to get the proper curmudgeonly effect:
In a sport that’s always changing ..
… MetroStars remain mired in unrelenting awfulness
By Paul Gardner, Soccer America
(We pick up the story after Mr. Gardner has returned from holiday in England)
“… And it is to the unrelenting awfulness of the RotMasters that I return. The one thing in soccer, possibly the only thing in the whole wide world of soccer, that doesnot change.
“They have just unleashed another of their patented blockbuster trades. The previous one of this series netted, you may recall, Alexi Lalas, so it’s not hard to restrain one’s enthusiasm.
“… I go out to Giants Stadium thinking, foolishly, of ambitious plans and marquee clubs, and I get the worst yet, Rots 2 Dallas 5.
“… While Stillitano talks grandiosely of a marquee team, he puts on the field the exact opposite, a team that is never going to win anything.
“Outside the stadium, after the debacle, a fan was walking around, a young boy perched on his shoulders holding up a sign: ‘Let’s trade Charlie — for Nothing’ it said.”
It is no longer a matter of conjecture: It is now a matter of fact. Having lost 0:6 to the KC Wizards, the formerly bottom-dwelling team, the RotMaster’s are the worst team in MLS. Maybe in America. Perhaps the world! Well, there’s always the odd chance they could eek out a win against Vanuatu. If there was a crapshoot.
For taking what MLS considers it’s most important franchise, in the largest TV market in the United States, with a soccer-savvy fanbase, and sinking it lower than whale crap at the bottom of the ocean:
Charlie Stillitano
Turd of the Week
