Hashtag Games, Jokes & One-Liners

2017-01-02 kingsnake Humor 0

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Mary Poppin’ Heads

Thomas the Tank Engine Pulls a Train

Bedknobs & Boomsticks

Today, Pope Francis announced the Hamburglar’s beatification.

Vatican McDonald’s to screen new Mel Gibson Biblical epic: “The Passion of the Grimace”

Coming after news of the Vatican McDonalds, the Anglicans announced a Burger King in Canterbury Cathedral and Jerusalem’s chief rabbi a Wailing Wall Whataburger.

Jesus went unto the Vatican McDonalds and divided two Filet-O-Fish amongst them all.

I went to confession before mass at the Vatican. The priest told me to say three Hail Mary’s and eat two quarter pounders.

I went to the new Vatican McDonalds and ordered a Big Mac. Kid behind the counter asked me, “Uh, you want some communion wafers with that?”

The new Vatican McDonald’s was blessed by Cardinal McCheese.

One day I went hiking …

Magical Genie Shit

Mongo only pawn in “Game of Life” 

Mongo only pawn in "Game of LIfe" (Blazing Saddles)

School lunch vegetable

They should sell spiders as a constipation cure.

I-94 Slushie

Poulan Rouge

Tony Castrato  

Yoko = Guy Fieri 

There are two types of people in this world: Those who pick their nose, and those who lie about it.

Bow season coming up. Anyone know what the bag limit is? 

Canadian Monopoly: How many toonies to put an igloo on Yonge Street?

Bi-Curious George 

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a ginger.  

We few, we chosen few, we band of bros.  

I ain’t got time to breed.  

Beer, Beer, Beer 

I hate funeral processions. Who died and made you king?

Mississippi Bra Burning 

The five basic food groups are sugar, salt, grease, caffeine and hops.

Someone asked me if I prefer pie, cake or pudding. I replied that I prefer cake, but am pie curious.

Carol Merril’s Box 

Ralph Kramden’s Bang Bus 

Deep Inside Mr. Belvedere 

Your brother is the father. 

Rectalcraniotomy 

 I’d date Taylor Swift for at least a week.

Will pay for jokes. 

Danny & The Seniors 

Never trust anyone who doesn’t lick their own butthole.

Pooping no longer fun. 

Off Duty Cop 50 Meter Pistol 

Guanabera Bay Turd Bobbing 

Licks his hairy balls. 

Dial 900 porn cheaper. 

Piss on the Rocks 

Private Ryan: Paintball Battles 

Ass Pong 

I have a billion dollars. 

I have a loaded gun. 

The Taking of Pelham 1 … uh, 2 … uhm … 

Clodspell 

Starring Sylvester Stallone! 

Frank & Beans Goes to Hollywood 

Aldo Nova Lox 

Ratt-atouille 

Depeche ala Mode 

Flock of Fried Seagulls 

Hair  Here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy, haiiiiir ….

Dessert: The most important meal of the day.

Could not care less. 

Moby Ick 

Schlitz My Dad Says (Okay it was a TV show …)

Bring Me the Moosehead of Alfredo Garcia

The Last Bierhaus on the Left

De Halve Maan in the Moon

Out of India Pale Ale

Steel Reserve Dogs

Cross of Iron City

Silence of the Lambics

The Beer Hunter

From Beer to Eternity

Jokers Wild Geese 

Ramen and Sriracha 

I think microwaving gas station burritos requires magic spells: Mine always have a bean-sicle on the inside.

As a conservative Christian, should Ted Cruz really be pulling out?

I tried blaming my farts on the dog, but my wife wasn’t buying it. Maybe I should get a dog?

“Maserati” just doesn’t have the same ring to it when it contains Chrysler parts. $80,000 K-Car.

Manic Monet 

Magritte May 

Copperhead Rodin 

Go Al Wei Wei  Remember the Raspberries? :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULL7apmAJTE

Hirst So Good 

Those seeds on the outside of fancy bread? Bread sperm that didn’t get lucky.

The leftovers from dad’s balls.  (Yes, I am the oldest …)

If you say “Candyland” five times Tony Todd will murder your ass. 

The star on the Cowboys helmet is a participation award.

There are no winners in Hasbro’s “The Game of Life”. Everybody dies. 

Pinky and Euronymous’s Brain 

Blue Cheer’s Clues 

Barney’s Anal Blast 

It’s prison policy. 

I like Southern food: Collards, Cheer Wine, pecan pie. Waffle House is my shrine. So, when I die, bury me in biscuits and gravy.

Disappointed I got no black eggs on Easter. Guess I need to wait for Plague Bunny.

Beer and porn. Jerk off. 

 my own dick. It’s been years. I must be losing weight.

Chico & The Man: The Suicide Tapes  

Flipper Caught in Tuna Net, Turned Into Sushi 

Gentle Ben Rapes DiCaprio 

Unprotected sex with a Thai hooker. 

Florida: We’re the state that looks like a dribbling penis. 

This one time at band camp …  

Ezekiel 25:17   (Though the penance is a bit harsh.)

I put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. I also put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.  

 我挖了来自中国的这个洞。   (“I dug this hole from China.”)

I’m the ghost of an Indian warrior and it was built on my grave. Boo.  

 We got married last night. Don’t you remember?  

 I’m a fly, and I just pooped in your Wheaties.  

 The window screen was loose.  

@excedrin Seeing this ad all the time give me a headache. I think I’ll take a Motrin.

Intervention? I thought you said “furry convention”! 

Some folks are full of themselves. Bono is overflowing …

Lifetime Supply of Chai Latte 

Partly Cloudy Average Guy

Ringing Heaven’s Bell … Mama put my buzzer in the ground, I won’t ring it anymore …

I Did It The Way My Boss Ordered Me To

To All The Girls I’ve Been Just Friends With Before

Club Fed Blues

Daydream Agnostic

Escalator to Purgatory

Plain Jane On the Run

A homicidal leprechaun. 

One creepy old guy.  

The Rose … you didn’t get me on our anniversary don’t you love me anymore am I fat? It’s another woman isn’t it? 

Dating young lawyer named “Ted”. 

My parole has been revoked. 

Indiana Jones and The Enema of Doom 

Barbecued Ribonucleic Acid  

Yellowcake   (might have to be a physics geek to get that …)

@excedrin I kill pain the old fashioned way: With booze.

Let’s just say, Mary was not a virgin. 

Billy Jacksie 

Starship Poopers 

The Craptasticks 

Lola Has The Runs 

The Good, The Bad & The Butt Ugly 

Starring J Lo and Ben Affleck in a a romantic comedy, it’s “Jacksie Girl”! 

Poofinger  … Who’s the man, the man with the stinky touch, its POO-FINGERRRR!!!

Fund my crap  

Citizen Cane 

Poop Another Day 

Ooooooh … PUMPKIN PIE! 

Roadkill Buffet 

Snap into a Snail Stik! Oooooo-YEAH!!! 

Keeping Up With the Kommunists: Stalin & Lenin go shopping in St. Petersburg. Hilarity ensues! 

Next on Keeping Up With the Kommunists … A “Very Special Episode”: Mao transitions. 

Tanqueray Gin is Fine 

Shamrock Shakes are green heroin. 

Women 

Relatives in Kentucky  

Paaaar-kay. 

If Maria Sharapova got busted for PEDs, what are the Williams sisters on? They look like sumo wrestlers!

GG Allin got his start as a child gospel singer. 

Courtney Love was straight edge. 

Bow hunting mosquitoes is too difficult.  

I know how to pronounce “about”. 

Brandy wrote the captain of the ship demanding half the sailor’s pay and all of his BAQ. 

Casey Anthony found not guilty!  (Butcher Baby by The Plasmatics)

Local surfer found dead. (Wipeout)

To all the girls I loved before … I got AIDS. 

Next on Dr. Phil: Pagliacci Bares His Soul!

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy  (Ain’t That a Kick in the Head)

Would you like some of our literature?  (All Along the Watchtower)

The Doors: The Index 

Donald Trump Hair Care Tips 

Can Trump blow himself like ?

 awestruck by Trump’s boomstick.

God Save the Queen-Sized Bed 

Grandma was John Holmes fluffer  

Johnny Manziel’s Next Sobriety Counselor 

I’ve tried using my wife’s Samsung. Would rather attempt a self-circumcision with a rusty knife and no pain killers.

Green Eggs & Ham in the State Pen 

Denny’s at 3:00 a.m. 

Is your sister single? 

Dial One Nine Hundred 

A long, distant, memory. 

People have clothes for the same reasons animals have tails: So you don’t have to look at their butthole.

A Jimmy Fallon joke. 

Brunch Davidians 

Hair of the Dog the Bounty Hunter 

Coldplay Pizza 

Coco Puffs Austin 

John Holmes Breakfast Sausage: Bet you can’t more than one! 

John Candy’s finest moment was “Canadian Bacon”. Unfortunately it was also his last one.

Pulling wings from a bug. 

Quentin Quisp 

Boo Berry White 

Cap’N Crunch & Tennille 

Beat Our Offal  (Bat Out of Hell)

Koi Anus Cat See  (Koyaanisqatsi)

Crawling King Snack 

When you meet a girl, sniff her butt. If it works for your dog, it will work for you. 

Snow White Pregnant: Doesn’t Know Which Dwarf is the Baby Daddy 

? Wal-Mart Greeter

 being anally violated by computers.

 — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. .

Having Bud Light is bad enough. Having a case of Bud Light? Not sure there’s a way to make that situation good.

Prolapse Fiction 

Breakfast at Denny’s 

Zed Gets A Pair of Pliers And A Blowtorch 

Real Housewives of Wisconsin 

OH GOD!Father 

My Ding-A-Ling  … No need to change that song title! ;-)

I’m Free! I-i-‘m freee … 

Directed by Michael Bay. 

Deliverance: A Love Story 

“Energy bars” are candy bars with better PR.

I have PTSD : Phoenix Traffic Stress Disorder.

Scratch me, if you want to live. 

The Graduate In Debt Up To His Eyeballs  … “Plastics, Benjamin? Are you freakin’ serious!? Comp Sci!”

The Hedge Fund Father