Turd of the Week #7

First, the dishonorable mentions:

Moron of the Week goes to Diego Simeone, who’s crime occured eight months ago:

MILAN, March 2 (Reuters) – Argentina captain Diego Simeone has admitted he
took a fall to fool the referee when he was kicked by David Beckham in last
year’s World Cup and the England player was sent off.

The World Cup incident occurred two minutes into the second half of the
second round clash in St Etienne on June 30, with the score at 2-2.
Argentina went on to win on penalties after extra-time.

Diego (is there something about Argentine players named ‘Diego’ that guarantees they will be boors and cheats?) is a moron on several levels: First, Simeone confessed his criminality the day before his club Inter Milan met Beckham’s Man U in the European Cup quarter-finals. Second, he taunted referees everywhere by further boasting that “Clearly I was clever …” This virtually guarantees that Beckham will have open season on Simeone, should he so choose, and also virtually guarantees that Simeone will never, ever, again get a borderline call in his favor. Diego Simeone, Moron of the Week.

Simeone Postscript: In the game against Man U, Simeone
had a goal disallowed for a foul off the ball … Oh, sweet! Buccaneer of the Week goes to the money-grubbing, anti-competitive monopolists at mega-media outlet Time-Warner. For $35/month (basic charge!) my 100+ channel capacity TV is half empty of any channels whatsoever, and six of the remaining channels stand practically devoid of content (blue screen with some logo at the top) because they are devoted to government usage by two of the smallest suburbs in the county! Out of the dozens of sports channels that are available, I get a grand total of — have a seat — TWO! And we all know how eager ESPN is to preempt its dog shows, billiards, cheerleading and strongest man shows for a wee bit of the footie, don’t we? So Tuesday, newly empowered by my hard-won knowledge of how to program a VCR, I scheduled to record English Premier League soccer on some new channel called Midwest Sports Channel (MSC). I notice that they seem to carry a game or two of soccer each week, so I figure this is a good test ground for taping a Champions League game on Wednesday. I get home and am delighted to find that my VCR actually recorded. Of course, Time-Warner being the buccaneers that they are didn’t actually have anything on that channel at that time — just a blue screen. What do they want, me to pay even more for the privilege of getting another sports channel that is 95% crap? Just bend me over and slip me the big bologna …

Now, for our feature presentation:

Lawyers’ Wet Dream: Debbie Keller

Despite invitation to camp, Keller files for arbitration of USSF compliant
>
> WASHINGTON, D.C, (Friday, February 26, 1999) — Forward Debbie Keller, not
> invited to the United States women’s residency camp in January despite
> being the team’s second leading goal-scorer last year, filed a complaint
> with the American Arbitration Association today, seeking to be restored to
> the roster.

This scary woman is one who plainly will never be satisfied. Drap her in gold and precious jewels, dine her with rare and succulent cuisine, house her in marbled palaces, attend to her with muscular Nubian eunuchs waving palm fronds, start her in every US national team game (all ages & levels, and both genders) from now until she croaks (even when she is in a wheelchair, drooling oatmeal and pooping her Depends) and she still won’t be happy! Trouble, they name is Deborah. Woe be the coach who gave Keller her first game, for she hath troubled every coach in every land since. If her petulance causes the US to lose WWC’99, she will join Steve Sampson as Turds Emertii.

Debbie Keller

Turd of the Week