Turd of the Week #43

Opium is the religion of the masses.

Photo Quiz
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This photo depicts:

  1. Nicky Butt buggering Dean Windass
  2. Nicola$ Anelka being screwed by Arsenal
  3. San Francisco Bay Seals halftime show
  4. Nicola$ Anelka being screwed by Real Madrid
  5. David Beckham coming out of the closet to Robbie Fowler
  6. Nicola$ Anelka being screwed by whatever club he’s going to next
  7. The Matthäus-MetroStars contract negotiations

Answer below …

Elton John was married (to a woman) you know: “Perhaps you thought Victoria’s Secret was just a racy lingerie line. Well, it turns out you’re right, but not in quite the way you reckoned.” (Dave Bowler, Team Talk, MatchdayUSA.com on Posh Spice’s revelation that hubby David Beckham likes to wear her underthings.) Admit it, haven’t you always suspected he was a poof?

New millenium, old story: Apparently in a huff at having his coaching overtures spurned by MetroStars GM Charlie Stillinajob, who favored Octavio Zambrano as Bora Milutinovic’s replacement, Oldthar Matthäus is now in line for Germany’s top position. National team coach Erich Ribbeck has intimated that his time is near, and that Oldthar would be the top candidate when Ribbeck steps down in two years. (The end may be nearer than Ribbeck thinks if his charges choke on their schnitzel at Euro 2000.) However, Oldthar’s anointing as the Chosen One might not come to pass should Oldthar actually decide to honor his MetroStars contract and report prior to March, forsaking the Euro 2000 finals in July. Stillinajob once said, “He’s asked for permission, and we haven’t given it. He’s still coming.” Yeah, Charlie, in your mouth.

Objective media hard at work being objective: Proving that our self-sacrificing, altruistic, defenders of the public weal spin less often than Black Sabbath records at KGOD Christian radio, comes news of the most hare-brained of Sepp Blatter’s brain farts: The biennial World Cup. Both articles, one from AP and one from Reuters, contained Blatter-quote for Blatter-quote the same content, differing only in their connecting text. But what have we here? “Twice as nice: Blatter hangs on to dream of World Cup every 2 years” (AP) and “Blatter backs off every-other-year idea” (Reuters). Well, which is it guys? TotW is waiting …

Photo Quiz Answer: None of the above. It depicts Commandante Marcos “purifying” an A-League supporter.

Pazuzu throws down with Beezlebub: Rapine media buccaneer Rupert Murdoch’s Fox TV is throwing a hissy-fit at kindred souls, money-grubbing cable monopoly Cox Communications. It seems Cox greased the appropriate governmental palms, earning it the cable franchise in Fairfax, VA, a suburb of Washington, DC. (“Cox” is appropriate, no? Considering what they slip their subscribers, but then said customers ought to enjoy receiving as they also so often give to their constituents.) Fox TV owns the NFL’s NFC broadcast rights, an outstanding member of said conference being the local Washington Redskins. And Fox is refusing to allow Cox to carry the local Fox TV affiliate unless Cox also carries two Fox cable sports channels. TotW is all in favor of more sports on TV, particularly soccer, but watching two Great Satans fight over who gets to bone our colon is infuriating.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose … Because after a league Inquisition is done driving the demons — and dollars — out of the pocket of those so obviously possessed with the malign spirit of free speech the accused is more poor than church mice in Moravia. Pick a league, any league. They are no different from each other, than they are from the medieval zealots who burned blasphemers at the stake, rather than those who did true evil (such as themselves). They’ll let assassination off easier than casual heresy. All you have to do to void your sin is pay the proper indulgence. Witness the treatment accorded DC United forward Roy Lassiter after he broke Robin Fraser’s collarbone at MLS Cup ’99 (none) versus that inflicted on an opponent, LA Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid (fined $1,000) who had the temerity to question not referee Tim Weyland’s genus or lineage, but merely his decision making process. TotW is deadset against referee abuse because it not only accomplishes nothing tactically, but more so on moral grounds. No matter how high a level — even the World Cup final — it’s still just a game. Nobody is dying (barring the occassional terrace collapse). Nobody is being raped (except Irish supporters in Turkey). Nobody is having their life savings stolen from them (except by the IRS, whose service is most definitely internal). And no referee decision, no matter how awful, will cause a disaster of that magnitude. That said, neither is there anything wrong with criticizing a referee’s performance. God knows, if there was TotW’s byline would be Hell.

Quote of the Week: “Two severaly limited referees do not add up to one qualified referee. Can you imagine the number of whistles per match? The pitch will trill like a drum major in a marching band.” (W.J. Marx, BigSoccer.Com)

We’re not making this up: Pablo Bengoechea, the #10 shirt for Uruguayan champions Penarol, was banned by CONMEBOL for three months after failing a piss test. Is Bengoechea being banned for consuming South America’s second most famous export after footballers, cocaine? No. For a few relaxing puffs of wacky tobacco? No. It’s worse. Much worse. Hide the women and children. Bengoechea is … is … is a caffiene addict! *shudder* Naughty-naughty bad-bad. American high school administrators are already on alert should this latest scourge in the drug war reach their hallowed halls. Other items we can expect to see on future lists of banned substances:

  • Curry
  • Kebabs
  • Spice Girls
  • Apple Pie
  • Twinkies
  • Wheaties
  • Wonder Bread
  • Oxygen

That’s all? A few weeks ago, when TotW’s staff was busily assembling the 1999 Year in Review, and tabulating the thousands upon thousands of ballots that poured in for the Turd of the Year voting, one TotW employee nominated Diego Maradona for Turd of the Millenium. Moron of the Millenium, maybe, but other than shooting out the windows on a few paparazzi cars, the only harm Maradona has done is to himself, not the game.

What’s Our Hero been up to this millenium? Well, seems he was hospitalized this week after complaining of hypertension and an irregular heartbeat. Were it any other fat slob, the reasonable assumption would be an excessive intake of fatty foods. (Maradona’s most urgent recuperative request? Steak.) But with Diego, as we are all aware, his excessive intake is not merely limited to other fat cows. So when subsequent headlines read “Soccer star Maradona tests positive for cocaine”, “That’s all?” TotW said.

Naturally his manager was the last to figure this all out: “I was surprised by the excess of the substance in his analysis …” said Guillermo Coppola, himself recently suspected of drug violations. In psychobabble, he is what is known as an “enabler”.

TotW has nothing against drugs, and thinks its none of Big Brother’s damn business what someone does with their own body, but wake up Diego! Soccer stars are not rock stars: Soccer stars get famous for what-might-have-been by croaking in plane crashes, not choking on coke.

Diego Maradona

Turd of the Week

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