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Mary Poppin’ Heads #BadGrittyReboots
Thomas the Tank Engine Pulls a Train #BadGrittyReboots
Bedknobs & Boomsticks #BadGrittyReboots
Today, Pope Francis announced the Hamburglar’s beatification.
Vatican McDonald’s to screen new Mel Gibson Biblical epic: “The Passion of the Grimace”
Coming after news of the Vatican McDonalds, the Anglicans announced a Burger King in Canterbury Cathedral and Jerusalem’s chief rabbi a Wailing Wall Whataburger.
Jesus went unto the Vatican McDonalds and divided two Filet-O-Fish amongst them all.
I went to confession before mass at the Vatican. The priest told me to say three Hail Mary’s and eat two quarter pounders.
I went to the new Vatican McDonalds and ordered a Big Mac. Kid behind the counter asked me, “Uh, you want some communion wafers with that?”
The new Vatican McDonald’s was blessed by Cardinal McCheese.
One day I went hiking …
Mongo only pawn in “Game of Life” #GameTVorMovie
School lunch vegetable #RejectedUsesForCandyCorn
They should sell spiders as a constipation cure.
I-94 Slushie #RejectedFallDrinks
Poulan Rouge #LumberjackMovies
Yoko = Guy Fieri #BeatlesForFoodies
There are two types of people in this world: Those who pick their nose, and those who lie about it.
Bow season coming up. Anyone know what the bag limit is? #Pokemon
Canadian Monopoly: How many toonies to put an igloo on Yonge Street?
Bi-Curious George #LessPopularChildrensBooks
I hate funeral processions. Who died and made you king?
Mississippi Bra Burning #FeministAMovie
The five basic food groups are sugar, salt, grease, caffeine and hops.
Someone asked me if I prefer pie, cake or pudding. I replied that I prefer cake, but am pie curious.
Carol Merril’s Box #AdultFilmAMovieOrTVShow
Ralph Kramden’s Bang Bus #AdultFilmAMovieOrTVShow
Deep Inside Mr. Belvedere #AdultFilmAMovieOrTVShow
Your brother is the father. #EndARomanceIn5Words
#IfIWereACelebrity I’d date Taylor Swift for at least a week.
Will pay for jokes. #GetMyAttentionIn4Words
Danny & The Seniors #PutYourDadInABand
Never trust anyone who doesn’t lick their own butthole.
Pooping no longer fun. #GettingOldIn4Words
Off Duty Cop 50 Meter Pistol #MyUnOlympicEventWouldBe
Guanabera Bay Turd Bobbing #MyUnOlympicEventWouldBe
Licks his hairy balls. #MyBestFriendIn4Words
Dial 900 porn cheaper. #TherapyIn4Words
Piss on the Rocks #BadDrinkNames
Private Ryan: Paintball Battles #KeepAFilmSafe
Ass Pong #PutButtsInAVideoGameTitle
I have a billion dollars. #ArouseMeIn5Words
I have a loaded gun. #EndAnArgumentIn5Words
The Taking of Pelham 1 … uh, 2 … uhm … #MakeAFilmLessIntelligent
Starring Sylvester Stallone! #MakeAFilmLessIntelligent
Frank & Beans Goes to Hollywood #CookAn80sBand
Aldo Nova Lox #CookAn80sBand
Depeche ala Mode #CookAn80sBand
Flock of Fried Seagulls #CookAn80sBand
Hair #MoviesDescribingTrumpHair Here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy, haiiiiir ….
Dessert: The most important meal of the day.
Could not care less. #FacebookIn4Words
Moby Ick #RemoveALetterSpoilABook
Schlitz My Dad Says
#BeerAMovie (Okay it was a TV show …)
Bring Me the Moosehead of Alfredo Garcia
The Last Bierhaus on the Left
De Halve Maan in the Moon
Out of India Pale Ale
Steel Reserve Dogs
Cross of Iron City
Silence of the Lambics
The Beer Hunter
From Beer to Eternity
Jokers Wild Geese #GameShowMovieMashUp
Ramen and Sriracha #DinnerIn3Words
I think microwaving gas station burritos requires magic spells: Mine always have a bean-sicle on the inside.
As a conservative Christian, should Ted Cruz really be pulling out?
I tried blaming my farts on the dog, but my wife wasn’t buying it. Maybe I should get a dog?
“Maserati” just doesn’t have the same ring to it when it contains Chrysler parts. $80,000 K-Car.
Manic Monet #SongAnArtist
Magritte May #SongAnArtist
Copperhead Rodin #SongAnArtist
Hirst So Good #SongAnArtist
Those seeds on the outside of fancy bread? Bread sperm that didn’t get lucky.
The leftovers from dad’s balls. #SiblingsIn5Words (Yes, I am the oldest …)
If you say “Candyland” five times Tony Todd will murder your ass. #FakeBoardGameFacts
The star on the Cowboys helmet is a participation award.
There are no winners in Hasbro’s “The Game of Life”. Everybody dies. #FakeBoardGameFacts
Pinky and Euronymous’s Brain #TurnAKidsTVShowMetal
Blue Cheer’s Clues #TurnAKidsTVShowMetal
Barney’s Anal Blast #TurnAKidsTVShowMetal
It’s prison policy. #ReasonsForMyDoorBeingLocked
I like Southern food: Collards, Cheer Wine, pecan pie. Waffle House is my shrine. So, when I die, bury me in biscuits and gravy.
Disappointed I got no black eggs on Easter. Guess I need to wait for Plague Bunny.
Beer and porn. Jerk off. #My5WordRomanceNovel
#ICantBelieveIJustSaw my own dick. It’s been years. I must be losing weight.
Flipper Caught in Tuna Net, Turned Into Sushi #HeartBreakATVShow
Gentle Ben Rapes DiCaprio #HeartBreakATVShow
Unprotected sex with a Thai hooker. #SaferThanATrumpRally
Florida: We’re the state that looks like a dribbling penis. #BadMottosForStates
@excedrin Seeing this ad all the time give me a headache. I think I’ll take a Motrin.
Intervention? I thought you said “furry convention”! #ThisIntervention
Some folks are full of themselves. Bono is overflowing …
Lifetime Supply of Chai Latte #GetMillennialsToVoteIn5Words
Partly Cloudy Average Guy #CheapKnockOffSongs
Ringing Heaven’s Bell … Mama put my buzzer in the ground, I won’t ring it anymore … #CheapKnockOffSongs
I Did It The Way My Boss Ordered Me To #CheapKnockOffSongs
To All The Girls I’ve Been Just Friends With Before #CheapKnockOffSongs
Club Fed Blues #CheapKnockOffSongs
Daydream Agnostic #CheapKnockOffSongs
Escalator to Purgatory #CheapKnockOffSongs
Plain Jane On the Run #CheapKnockOffSongs
A homicidal leprechaun. #FoundAtTheEndOfMyRainbow
The Rose … you didn’t get me on our anniversary don’t you love me anymore am I fat? It’s another woman isn’t it? #makeafilmhormonal
Dating young lawyer named “Ted”. #CancelPlansIn5Words
My parole has been revoked. #CancelPlansIn5Words
Indiana Jones and The Enema of Doom #FakeIndy5Titles
@excedrin I kill pain the old fashioned way: With booze.
Let’s just say, Mary was not a virgin. #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven
Billy Jacksie #FilmsForButts
Starship Poopers #FilmsForButts
The Craptasticks #FilmsForButts
Lola Has The Runs #FilmsForButts
The Good, The Bad & The Butt Ugly #FilmsForButts
Starring J Lo and Ben Affleck in a a romantic comedy, it’s “Jacksie Girl”! #FilmsForButts
Poofinger #FilmsForButts … Who’s the man, the man with the stinky touch, its POO-FINGERRRR!!!
Citizen Cane #ClassicFilmsForSeniors
Poop Another Day #ClassicFilmsForSeniors
Ooooooh … PUMPKIN PIE! #MormonCussing
Roadkill Buffet #RejectedLunches
Snap into a Snail Stik! Oooooo-YEAH!!! #RejectedLunches
Keeping Up With the Kommunists: Stalin & Lenin go shopping in St. Petersburg. Hilarity ensues! #HistoricalTVShows
Next on Keeping Up With the Kommunists … A “Very Special Episode”: Mao transitions. #HistoricalTVShows
Tanqueray Gin is Fine #NewMeaningsForTGIF
Shamrock Shakes are green heroin. #StPaddysDayin5Words
If Maria Sharapova got busted for PEDs, what are the Williams sisters on? They look like sumo wrestlers!
GG Allin got his start as a child gospel singer. #Fake1990sFacts
Courtney Love was straight edge. #Fake1990sFacts
I know how to pronounce “about”. #WhyICouldNeverBeCanadian
Brandy wrote the captain of the ship demanding half the sailor’s pay and all of his BAQ. #EpiloguesToSongs
Casey Anthony found not guilty! #EpiloguesToSongs (Butcher Baby by The Plasmatics)
Local surfer found dead. #EpiloguesToSongs (Wipeout)
To all the girls I loved before … I got AIDS. #EpiloguesToSongs
Next on Dr. Phil: Pagliacci Bares His Soul! #EpiloguesToSongs
Chronic traumatic encephalopathy #EpiloguesToSongs (Ain’t That a Kick in the Head)
Would you like some of our literature? #EpiloguesToSongs (All Along the Watchtower)
The Doors: The Index #EpiloguesToSongs
Donald Trump Hair Care Tips #UnpopularYouTubeTutorials
Can Trump blow himself like @RealRonJeremy?
#FridayFeeling awestruck by Trump’s boomstick.
God Save the Queen-Sized Bed #FurnitureASong
Johnny Manziel’s Next Sobriety Counselor #BadJobIn5Words
I’ve tried using my wife’s Samsung. Would rather attempt a self-circumcision with a rusty knife and no pain killers.
Green Eggs & Ham in the State Pen #GrittyDrSeuss
Denny’s at 3:00 a.m. #DatingLifeIn4Words
Is your sister single? #DatingLifeIn4Words
Dial One Nine Hundred #DatingLifeIn4Words
A long, distant, memory. #DatingLifeIn4Words
People have clothes for the same reasons animals have tails: So you don’t have to look at their butthole.
A Jimmy Fallon joke. #UnlikelyCauseOfLaughter
Brunch Davidians #BreakfastCelebs
Hair of the Dog the Bounty Hunter #BreakfastCelebs
Coldplay Pizza #BreakfastCelebs
Coco Puffs Austin #BreakfastCelebs
John Holmes Breakfast Sausage: Bet you can’t more than one! #BreakfastCelebs
John Candy’s finest moment was “Canadian Bacon”. Unfortunately it was also his last one.
Pulling wings from a bug. #KidOlympicEvents
Quentin Quisp #BreakfastCelebs
Boo Berry White #BreakfastCelebs
Cap’N Crunch & Tennille #BreakfastCelebs
Beat Our Offal #AutocorrectedMusic (Bat Out of Hell)
Koi Anus Cat See #AutocorrectedMusic (Koyaanisqatsi)
Crawling King Snack #AutocorrectedMusic
When you meet a girl, sniff her butt. If it works for your dog, it will work for you. #UnhingedDatingTips
Snow White Pregnant: Doesn’t Know Which Dwarf is the Baby Daddy #UpdateAFairyTale
#JebsNextMove? Wal-Mart Greeter
#IveGrownAccustomedTo being anally violated by computers.
#IfWeLostWifi — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. .
Having Bud Light is bad enough. Having a case of Bud Light? Not sure there’s a way to make that situation good.
Prolapse Fiction #GrossSchmovies
Breakfast at Denny’s #TheSequelToMySexTape
Zed Gets A Pair of Pliers And A Blowtorch #TheSequelToMySexTape
Real Housewives of Wisconsin #TheSequelToMySexTape
OH GOD!Father #TheSequelToMySexTape
My Ding-A-Ling #SongsAboutForgettingYourPants … No need to change that song title!
I’m Free! I-i-‘m freee … #SongsAboutForgettingYourPants
Directed by Michael Bay. #MakeAnActionFilmTedious
Deliverance: A Love Story #DebbieDownerAMovie
“Energy bars” are candy bars with better PR.
I have PTSD : Phoenix Traffic Stress Disorder.
Scratch me, if you want to live. #AdviceFromMyPet
The Graduate In Debt Up To His Eyeballs #ModernizeAClassicFilm … “Plastics, Benjamin? Are you freakin’ serious!? Comp Sci!”
The Hedge Fund Father #ModernizeAClassicFilm