Turd of the Week
March 9, 2002

Quote of the Week: "The board will trade assets as required by the nature of the competition reached in order to ensure that the cost base of the business is maintained at a sustainable level, and will continue to do so as required." Leeds chairman Peter Ridsdale, using management-speak to explain the obvious: If they don't make Europe, they gotta sell players. (The club have lost £14 million the last six months, prompting MLS wannabe Tim-MAY! Krause to ask Leeds for financial support.)

Moron of the Week: April Heinrichs, US Womens National Team coach, for changing keepers with 10 minutes remaining in a level match against Norway, the only country the US has a lifetime losing record against. Naturally, Norway won, its fourth straight victory over the US (including the Heinrichs-coached squad in the Olympic finals). Loyal Reader Shaun O'Leary called pulling the uninjured LaKeysia Beene "one of the most moronic things I have ever seen". Despite finishing fifth in the Algarve Cup, Heinrichs said, "We saw a lot of good things out there." A quote you'd never hear from the lips of coaches who've actually achieved some success, like Anson Dorrance. USSF needs to can Heinrichs ass before her Reverse Midas Touch turns the golden US team into complete crap.

I'd like to thank my family ... In Soccer America's "Who would you pick to start at World Cup '02?" poll, Richie Williams actually received 24 votes.

The fake thing: DarXabre software is releasing a game this week called "Hooligans Storm over Europe", which is causing, well, a storm over Europe. "Hooligans is a real-time strategy outing where you play the boss of a local firm of thugs. Your job is to travel to away games all over the continent, engaging in running battles with the police, rival supporters and local tradespeople, using any weapon you can lay your hands on. We're talking large-scale crowd violence here - all controlled by your very own mouse cursor. And there's plenty of blood. It's a pretty tasteless subject by most standards, though it's in good company with some other game releases in the past." (GameSpot.com) Indeed, and that is all it is: a game. Naturally, the usual suspects have got their panties in a wad, failing to distinguish between fantasy and reality. "It is very scary. I feel helpless," a Japanese shopper said, confirming the complete emasculation of post-World War II Japan. Or, as the Hooligans web site states, "The only thing to fear, is running out of beer." Amen.

Weekly Blotter

The real thing ...

• Buenos Aires (Argentina): Rival supporters fought outside the stadium for 30 minutes prior to the River Plate-Nueva Chicago match. It took mounted police and rubber bullets to control the riot. 4 arrests, 13 casualties.

• Bogota (Columbia): Cesar Villegas, the principal shareholder of Santa Fe de Bogota was killed by motorcycle-riding gunmen outside his office. The killing is most likely drug-related, as Villegas was convicted in 1995 of drug trafficking. "We are stunned. Cesar was part of the Colombian soccer family," said Jorge Correa, president of Colombia's professional league. "He was also part of the Escobar family, and had some primo pink flake. Everybody is like totally bummed, dude. Major buzzkill."

• Buenos Aires (Argentina): The Boca Juniors-Chacarita match was twice suspended due to violence in the stands. 46 arrests, 17 casualties.

• Cali (Columbia): Motorcycle-riding gunmen also killed former Deportivo Cali player Aldemar Sanchez. Sanchez was not convicted of drugs-offenses nor had he scored an own goal in the World Cup.

• Chievo (Italy): Chievo forward Jason Nono Mayele collided head-on with another vehicle. Both drivers died.

• La Plata (Argentina): The Gimnasia y Esgrima-Banfield match was suspneded two minutes into the second half, after supporters began throwing stones at each other.

• Poiana (Switzerland): A car belonging to Helios Jermini, the president of FC Lugano, was found at the bottom of Lake Lugano. Unfortunately for the president, he was found in the car.

• Yobe (Nigeria): Yobe Stars supporters went on a rampage after their side lost 1:2 to Kano Pillars. The NFA punished Stars by banning them from playing at home. The club will play the remainder of its 'home' matches in Bauchi -- 500 kilometers away. TotW doubts there are very many XBox owners in Yobe.

• Katsina (Nigeria): The NFA also banned five Katsina United players -- including the club captain -- after the quintet beat the referee of their match against Kwara United.

Hero of the Week: Brad Friedel, for his performance in the Worthington Cup final, which Blackburn Rovers won 2:1 over Tottenham Hotspur. Friedel, just the second American to win hardware in England, was voted Man of the Match for stoning Les Ferdinand on three seperate occasions to preserve the victory.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And how many drafts does MLS have in a year? Apparently every player gets his own: Dallas Burn acquired Winston Griffiths in a 'lottery draft' in which the Jamaican midfielder was the only draftee. Then there is Ali Curtis, who will get his own 'special waiver draft'. Curtis will be drafted despite being a league veteran -- a status that tends to result in the player being miraculously 'discovered'. Curtis was acquired by the exterminated TB Mutiny in the '2001 SuperDraft'. Curtis has been jobless since Mutiny's assassination, having been passed over in the post-mortem 'dispersal draft'.

Whinger of the Week: MLS honchos, Dallas Burn supporters, and a whole lot of BigSoccer posters -- few of whom actually live in McKinney, TX -- for crying that they were "jilted" after the city government turned down Major Laughing Stock's proposal to dip its hand in the pockets of McKinney taxpayers in order for the billionaire-owned league to build itself a new stadium. 3rd Degree, a Burn supporters site, wrote that "The City of McKinney has taken their ball and gone home, ditching their soccer girlfriend just weeks before the big wedding date." Correction: McKinney was the girl who never gave MLS the time of day, but who MLS was convinced really loved it anyway. And then told its whole family they were getting married. In real life, those sorts of people get hit with restraining orders. "We have to provide services for the citizens that are needed, and that's our highest priority as a city council," said mayor Don Dozier. That vote would have earned McKinney Hero of the Week honors, except they were doing what governments ought to do, rather than the more typical spending like drunking sailors.

It beats a Benjamin: Eric Wynalda, ousted from his position as leading scorer at Chicago Fire in a move designed to 'get under the salary cap', walked out on the LA Galaxy for an offer from China, rather re-sign with MLS for ~$50,000. Think about that: 50 ... thousand ... dollars. While no longer worth top dollar, Waldo is sure worth more than some P-40 putz. What an insult -- especially since everybody but Garber's sycophants knows the cap is anything but.

But Bruin alumni aren't: "I don't want to mince words here, I'm very disappointed with their decision," Steve Sampson, Turd Emeritus, said about losing out to Tom Fitzgerald for the UCLA coaching position. "I've worked long and hard bringing beautiful attacking soccer to Ojai's U-8 'special' kids."

Reader Q & A

Q: What kind of a name is Sepp? I think it's Swiss for Shemp. (Mike Heaney, TotW Environmental Engineer)

A: Actually, it is short for Josep (or 'Joseph' in English). I prefer your etymology though: It is more accurate. Afterall, your c.v. indicates you know crap when you see it: Everyone knows Shemp was no substitute for Curley. (Though Blatter is more akin to Curley Joe.)

As the 2002 MLS season approaches, the defending MLS Cup champion San Jose Earthquakes are up to the same old lack of, well, anything having to do with organization.

The team is stating that season ticket sales are "eclipsing last year's total". Hard to believe, considering local advertising for season tickets has been MIA. [Did Ken Whoreowitz take over there? - ed.] Even harder to believe when you consider that one fan (a regular BigSoccer poster) just revealed he was able to buy a group of tickets eight rows back at midfield for the home opener April 6 v. New England.

New general manager Johnny Moore -- who actually is a real soccer person in addition to accomplished business executive -- is still hiring office staff. New San Jose Sharks owners San Jose Sports Entertainment Enterprises (SJSEE), whose marketing arm Silicon Valley Sports and Entertainment (SVS&E) operated the Quakes last year, has yet to announce plans for MLS participation this year. With two weeks to go until the season kicks off.

But the topper on all this is the shoddy organization of the Quakes' upcoming FC Champions Cup tournament home-and-home with CD Olimpia of Honduras. The Quakes, apparently too understaffed to handle promoting and hosting the home leg themselves, contracted Premier Soccer Productions of Sacramento to market the event. Graciously, Premier Soccer Productions scheduled the match for March 16th at Sheldon High School in Sacramento, nearly two hours drive north from San Jose. (As an aside, the match being at a high school stadium means no tailgating and no beer sales. Yippee!)

Tickets were only made available in the Sacramento area. San Jose supporters from, well, San Jose were not able to make web or phone credit card orders, and there are no plans for a will call window. Basically, the only San Jose fans who could easily obtain tickets are members of the Club Quake supporter group, and even those fans were given an unbelievably early deadline of mid-February, two weeks after match was announced, to order theirs.

While appealing to the school district to allow temporary expansion of the 3,000 capacity stadium, so that he could sell up to 9,000 tickets, Premier Soccer Productions sold tickets in three price ranges: field-level 'Box Seats', mid-field area 'Preferred Seats' in the sideline stands, and end-zone 'General Admission'. However, the appeal to expand the stadium was denied by the school board, who were concerned that Sheldon does not have enough parking spaces, and that the parking and crowd control problems may spill over into local neighborhoods. Resultingly, Premier Soccer Productions no longer had the means to install temporary end zone general admission bleachers or field level box seats.

So, what did Premier Soccer Productions do? He announced that the people who had paid for box seats would now have midfield area seats in the sideline stands -- displacing 'Preferred' ticket holders -- and, here's the kicker, that 'Preferred' and 'General Admission' were being merged into one big free-for-all in the rest of the sideline stands. Which doesn't sit well with the thousand people who paid big bucks for 'Preferred' tickets and now have to fight for seats with people who paid $10/ticket less.

Premier Soccer Productions "apologized for the inconvenience".

But wait, it doesn't end there. Apparently, as of March 6, there were still a handful of tickets left in the newly merged 'General Admission/Not-so-Preferred' section. Being sold at the 'Preferred' price, not the lower 'General Admission' price.

For biting off way more than he could chew, dealing with the adversity as poorly as possible, and alienating a floundering (business-wise) MLS team's small but dedicated group of hard-core fans, I nominate Premier Soccer Productions for Turd of the Week.

TotW 2002 Archive

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