Turd of the Week
July 28, 2001

Cabras da Semana: Brazil are starting to put a stranglehold on the Goats of the Week dishonor after losing 0:2 to Honduras. (We really hope we weren't the only ones who thought Honduras would win.) Like many vanquishers of Brazil over the past two years, it was Honduras's first victory over a country which was known in the mists of time to have won the odd trophy or two. Honduras wasn't even supposed to be in the Copa America, taking a spot at the last second after Argentina withdrew due to last month's violence in Columbia. The host country, playing the best football in the Copa, are Honduras opponent in the semifinals. "It's not a disgrace to lose a football match against Honduras," said Brazil's latest in a rapid succession of coaches, 'Big Phil' Scolari. Most Brazilians disagreed. "You must be joking," was the headline in sports daily Lance, which wrote that "When we thought Brazilian football had reached the bottom of the hole, the team is knocked out of the Copa America by an inexpressive Honduras." Angry Brazilians, wearing red Bozo noses, demonstrated outside CBF's headquarters, calling -- we think metaphorically -- for the head of football chief Ricardo Teixeira. Brazil's congressional inquiry into football corruption (that Sepp Blatter tried to quash) produced a 700-page report which condemned CBF's administration and accused Teixeira of committing 13 criminal offences as well as breaking CBF statutes which banned him from receiving a salary from the organisation.

Quote of the Week: "The grass was long enough to provide a habitat for some interesting wildlife." (Reuters on the Armenia, Colombia, Copa America pitch)

Divers of the Week: Another week, another Copa America special. Take your pick of Uruguay who deceived their way into a victory over attractive, attacking Costa Rica or Mexico who are even worse. More Mexicans hit the dirt against Chile (last week's DotW) than against Sam Houston at San Jacinto. Birds of a feather flock together: Uruguay and Mexico played each other in the other semifinals. It was the expected truly ugly affair, with four red cards and numerous yellows. And when they weren't hacking each other -- Mexico being the main hackers -- they were thrashing around like fish out of water. I now hate Mexico as much as Minnesota. If there is any justice in the world, Columbia will win the Copa.

Minnesota wildlife tries to escape from Thunder player with raging boner. (He's running funny, so maybe he already got caught.)

A-League Western Conference Standings
Team	GP	W	D	L	GF	GA	Bogus Point	Pts
Vancouver	15	9	1	5	23	16	4	41
Portland	15	8	2	5	20	18	3	37
Milwaukee	16	8	1	7	22	24	2	35
Seattle	14	8	1	5	19	17	1	34
San Diego	17	7	1	9	32	29	5	34
El Paso	16	6	3	7	29	25	4	31
Minnesota	18	5	1	12	17	25	2	23

Apparently all those Rochester and Richmond supporters were correct when they said the only reason Minnesota won as many matches as it did was because they were in the old Central Division playing Indiana and Cinncinnati two billion times a season.

Heroes of the Week: Senegal will advance to its first World Cup after winning its Africa qualifying group by defeating Namibia 0:5. Egypt, the favorite in Group C, could only manage a 1:1 draw at Algeria.

Weekly Blotter

• Annaba (Algeria): But wait ... Egypt requested a replay on neutral ground. Though Algeria equalized in the 80th minute, it was Egypt's earlier goal which sparked a round of Algerian missile throwing, causing a 10 minute suspension. At least two Egyptians were hit by the bottles and stones. After the match the Egyptians needed a police escort from the stadium when the crowd resumed its assault.

• Belgrade (Yugoslavia): Branislav Trojanovic, the owner of newly-promoted Yugoslav first division soccer club Zvezdara Belgrade, was murdered in front of his home. Trojanovic owned a chain of restaurants, cafes, boutiques and casinos prior to taking four silenced slugs in the back of his head.

Slam of the Week: "From champs to chumps in an off-season, D.C. had more than just a fluke year. Swapping in Chris Albright for Roy Lassiter was as successful as swapping the Darrens on Bewitched'." (Jason Williams, internetsoccer.com)

Dumbass Treckerism of the Week: Its been quite a while since we cited Trecker père but this is going just too goddamn far. Writing on internetsoccer.com about a Finnish stadium: "... the entire stadium is roofed, a good idea in a country where you can get up to 22 hours of sunlight in the summer and a fair bit of rain when the clouds move in. I have never figured out why so many American stadiums, even some of the NFL level, aren't roofed. Any new soccer facilities should be." Senility is obviously setting in. It won't be long before he wanders away from the seniors home, only to be found two weeks later face down in a snow bank.

Battlebots: No, we're not talking about the Mexico-Uruguay Copa America semifinal that featured more cards than a Vegas blackjack table, we're talking about one of those TV shows where nerds displace their latent, unfulfilled aggressions onto knee-high metal machines festooned with hammers and flails. (Think R2D2 with a bad case of the ass.) Anyway, Battlebots are actually vaguely entertaining. Okay, it's mindless time-filler, but at least not offensive like a spit-by-spit recount of a 21-inning "pitching duel" on Every Stinking Pitch Network. The problem is the bots only bump into each other a few times before one of them has a motor failure, causing the match to end early. We want to see parts FLYING! (Think the metallic equivalent of a Vinnie Jones tackle.)

Pickpocket of the Week: The construction of the MetroStars eternally delayed new stadium, was delayed yet again when local government told Metros GM Nick 'the Dick' Sakiewicz to take a flying fuck at the moon. You see, sticky fingers Nick wanted the the government to use their goons to loot the locals' hard earned cash so the Metros could build themselves a shining new Taj Mahal on the Hudson. Nick the Dick actually had the gall to claim that "We can't do this without the state." Stuart Subotnick and John Kluge own the team. Though Stuart Subotnick is a paltry and destitute #348 on Forbes "Rich 400 2000", Kluge is the 24th richest person in the whole freaking world. Can't do my ass. Of course Jersey government would trample each other in the rush to blow a baseball mogul if he wanted to move his team to their benighted burgs. And so it comes to pass that two multi-multi-billionaires are supporting the legalized theft ... err, legislation ... pending that would make Newark and the Meadowlands "sports and entertainment districts", allowing them to keep tax revenues generated there to finance construction of sports facilities.

Dingleberry of the Week: We have several little turd balls clinging to the butthairs of sport this week: BigSoccer.com, for spewing popup ads that pop up ads after you close them. Actually popup ads suck, period. It's even worse than spamming. You ought to be ashamed. That kid two rows down, for yelling "You guys suck" to his own side, Milwaukee Rampage, while they were losing a match -- the side's fifth match in eight days! I bet that little putz needs a substitution every five freaking minutes in his U-8 matches. The worst part was his dad didn't even slap him upside the head. Lubos Kubik, who was warming up behind the Dallas Burn goal, chose to protest a proper penalty against his side by leaping over the advert boards, yanking the whistle from the referee's mouth, then throwing it away. Kubik was immediately red-carded. As he walked off, he raged about the ref directly at a mobile camera. Kubik was fined $5,000 and suspended three matches.

First, we kill all the lawyers: Shakespeare, wasn't it? In any case, he had a point.

Tim-MAY! Krause, butt buddy of Milwaukee's mayor, and previous Turd of the Week (see TotW #46), along with hizDIShonor John Norquist, is still at it. Like a celebrity stalker, or a bad case of clap, he just won't go away.

For the past several Milwaukee Rampage home matches Krause and his evil minions put flyers on supporters' auto windscreens, and even had the gall to actually have petitions at Rampage matches to support his quixotic effort to bring an MLS team to Milwaukee. (My entry on the petition? "We already got a team. If you want Milwaukee in MLS, promote the Rampage if they win the A-League." I get the feeling it probably wasn't counted.) And get this: This lawyer, and developer, who makes more money than he can possibly count ... *head shake* ... actually had a space on the flyer for people to send in contributions like he is Mother Fucking Theresa! I got news for you asshole, you ain't a fucking charity.

Tim-MAY!: Called his proposed sight just a few blocks north of four -- count'em: FOUR -- indoor arenas his "ideal location". Well, no shit.

Conflict of interest? Mayor wants to tear down freeway ... Tim-MAY! wants to build a $50 million stadium where the freeway used to be ... Nah. With taxpayer 'help' (like the crap local baseball team) ... Never.

Then this Sunday Tim-MAY! had a MLS Love-In in a downtown Milwaukee Park. (I'm not shitting you -- it was actually called the "Milwaukee Loves Soccer" rally.) What the indoor Wave and outdoor Rampage, plus Chicago Fire, were doing supporting the love-in with player appearances I have absolutely no idea. Maybe they hope bringing the light of day on mayoral butt buddy shenanigans will finally drive the Tim-MAY! cockroach back in the crappy crevice he crawled out of.

Look, Tim-MAY!, if only ~3000 metro Milwaukee citizens are willing to attend Rampage matches in the security of suburbia, what in the name of God makes you think an MLS team in shabby downtown -- without a freeway for easy access -- will draw attendance even beginning to approach the miniscule levels of Kansas City on Wednesday night!?

Oh, wait.

That's right.

He's the mayor's butt buddy.

And in the mean time you've killed the only real team Milwaukee will probably ever have.

Prick.

TotW 2001 Archive

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